So self aware it hurts..

I don't know how to start this without it coming off as some after school special or me cracking a joke that makes everyone wildly uncomfortable. Either way, here we go..

It's therapy time.

This is something that I've been really struggling with, not because I am being avoidant - it's simply due to me not having the right words to put to what I've been feeling.

It isn't a hollow feeling, or that age old "numbness" that comes with BPD and Bipolar lows. No, this is something...else. Far more tangible. I can touch the sensation in my chest ( not literally, but it feels like it ya know? )

The sensation that I'm walking through a thick, black ocean of raw unfiltered emotion. It's a presence that ebbs and flows. Demanding to be felt. Which when you weren't properly equipped as a child to process and handle emotions, it's almost like you weren't given a manual on how to be alive.

I don't have the right words to explain why this feeling is tearing through me. I can try to put my own spin on it, but it feels like a half truth. Like I'm lying to myself or something.

I'm not going to shoulder all of the responsibility onto my parents and their poor decisions/parenting. There is a large burden that falls onto me as well. I ignored it all for years, shutting my eyes and hiding away from reality. Living in a dream I crafted for myself..

All in the hopes that I could run forever.

No one can keep running from themselves. Eventually, it all catches up.

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Evanescence, Linkin Park, Sleep Token and Bad Omens. ( I know, we become what we listen to. I know... ) I needed a direction to go with these weird feelings. Guidance from people that have lived what I'm feeling right now..

Looking back on my life, what I can remember of it, there's a lot of mistakes that I've made. Choices that lead me towards destruction and too many people that fostered it because they benefited from what I offered them at the time.

For that, there's a knee jerk reaction to blame myself. But that version of me was twisted by circumstance. Forced into roles that she was never meant to know. I can't blame her, she was doing only what she thought was right at the time.

I can empathize with the situation, but it still feels like white hot splinters in my mind.

Then I listen to "Lithium" and see my mind falling into a realm of romantic darkness. A icy winter that just wraps around me. I don't know, my mind is shaped by music and it's the only way I know how to share what I'm feeling.

Am I in love with my sadness?

No, I don't think that's right. It just feels so familiar. Like a friend that has always known me.

I'm trying so hard to work through everything. To face the fact that I wasn't there when my Dad died. That I couldn't do more for my beloved companion, my baby boy Pabu.

In the end, I have known more death, loss and sacrifice in my life than I care to give words to. Too many half good byes..

I'm tired, you know?

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and let nature claim me. Other times, I want to ask for help, but I've seen the pay wall laid out before me. It all feels so...frustrating.

The system has been built to ward off people that seek help. I'd cry, but I'm kind of incapable of that unless I listen to something truly sad. Something I learned was a trauma response..

Which makes me start laughing out of rage. I can't properly express myself because of the choices I made, and the way my childhood played out.

There's nothing to be done about it. I just have to figure out how to heal. There is no or...because the other option is me continuing to self sabotage my life out of fear and that's no way to live.

I just wanted to chronical my thoughts, because it feels like I'm getting dangerously close to breaking.

Thank you for letting me vent.