puppyGamerBandit
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1418
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just whimpering into the void
Tried so hard, working extra shifts, shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, doing everything i could to make the holidays easy and happy for the family. but there's always something that isn't enough. love gets replaced with keeping the peace and completing the honey dos. but no matter how many buckets i hit, there will be one i miss. i don't have anything more left to give, I'm so very tired and don’t have much of a personality left to speak of. for a long while i've tried so damn hard to put everyone's happiness before my own, working long hours to come home and just feel nothing but anxiety stress and dred. sometimes i sit in my truck and think about where else i can go, but there's nowhere. I've tried multiple therapists for years with military benefits it's been easy to access, not a thing has changed, if anything it makes me feel worse. for anyone who says put your oxygen mask on first, it's good in theory, hard to enjoy me time when someone is upset with you, needs your help or mandatory work has you on your feet allday. I'm just tired of working so hard and fighting so hard for happiness that never comes. Realize everyone goes through some rough patches, and this isn't necessarily a happy time of year for alot of us, Xmas just magnifies what i'm feeling most of the time. i try to be a good person and be supportive of my wife, brother/his wife, sisters, their husbands, and my in-laws, but i feel like i'm watching someone else in an out of body experience. nobody knows what i'm feeling and i dont't hink i can share. i'm realizin i don't cut it in the husband department. i guess this is how you become an old lonely man. thanks for listening to this throwaway account
EDIT: Wow FP, thank you all you kind souls. I would reply to everyone of you right not but I got to head to work. Your comments have helped though and just what this hurting heart needed. I hope my post also helps a few of you realize your not alone either, sometimes just knowing someone is out there dealing with the same shit is a comfort.
PaintedInGreen
Don’t be ashamed to say it. It’s valid and real, and I’m so sorry you’re in it. Sending imgur-love your way.
angelface13
ChristopherTallant
It’s not much of a partnership if you do it all yourself. I speak from experience.
queernosaur
Just a gentle reminder that you should NEVER have to longterm put others' happiness before your own♡
ChefBrooke7029
I completely understand but have no advice but to keep trying
SteamingTheCat
Did you get a *medical* checkup and give your symptoms? It could be purely physical, like low T.
Fyreworx
All you can do is keep trying. Sorry you're going through it and this random internet stranger gives you their support for what it's worth.
NerdyPegger
So, I've been there with my ex wife. It's not you. Four and a half years of therapy later, I was able to accept that she was a narcissist
mcopal
Keep trying therapists. You’ll find the right one. Also, trust one person to share with. Your spouse can be the one. Give yourself slack!
rhettrow
sounds like you are doing alot of things to make other people happy??? Maybe time to say no?
ifIScreamIntoTheVoid
It hurts to cut things out, but you can't clean the whole house at once, start with your own little corner. Find your happiness again.
AskaAsh
"Nobody knows how I'm feeling " nobody an read minds. Tell them
sorrybotsorry
Dude, just know you’re not alone and it’d be super helpful to talk to a non-biased professional if you’re able.
TheOtherJeffLebowski
You are not alone. You are also wrong… don’t let your brain lie to you. You matter. You are a good man, husband, and father! Stay strong. :)
CorneliusTunt
It's inevitable that the thoughts/feelings held inside will eventually become too heavy to shoulder yourself. If in doubt on how to
CorneliusTunt
relay those feelings, could you try couples therapy? Should provide a safe environment to let some of it out. No one can do everything
CorneliusTunt
themselves and there's nothing wrong with saying it out loud. I hope you can find a good way to express that and your SO is supportive!
Regularsizerudy
I’ve felt like creating a throwaway account many times to write exactly this. My Christmas was a nightmare and today is worse. Bless you…
Regularsizerudy
…your not alone for whatever that’s worth. If you can just keep holding on for the people that have no choice but to depend on you doesn’t..
Regularsizerudy
…Make it better but keeps you moving. Hope something gets better for you.
almostalone
Humans are made to connect. Hardest lesson I'm still learning is sometimes you don't get to choose that connection no matter what you do.
LifeIsDukka101
The paradox is that we are taught to do anything but connect.
almostalone
Pretty much.
Mazzy94
OmNachoMama
As a "professional" level enabler because of self respect and self esteem issues, you're sounding an awful lot like I did. I put everyone
OmNachoMama
else first, and they learned to disregard what I needed because my own putting myself last trained then well. If I didn't think I deserved
OmNachoMama
respect and help, why should they believe it. If this is what's happening in your life, then use that counseling to address codependent
OmNachoMama
behaviors in yourself and to have your wife and maybe children, too, learn how not to take advantage of you and help support you. Good luck.
HappyPetunia
If you are doing all the work of making your family happy, your family is doing it wrong. You deserve appreciation at the very least.
scifinovelist
Explain to the wife, try to take some time off, your mental health and happiness is important to them. Even if they don't know it.
metalMYA
You worded it so right here, maybe use it to tell your family. It’s obvious you care a great deal for those around you, but - really - you
metalMYA
need a break from the pressure. If it’s any way within your budget: take a vacation where there’ll be food & exercise provided / scheduled
metalMYA
You need to mend the leaking buckets I order to fill them and for them to stay full for some time. Best of luck and keep breathing
drizzlehere
I'm in a similar boat. If you need someone to just vent to we are out here. Thank you for this!
albrebecca8
Sometimes it’s nice to vent and talk to strangers. Email me anytime to vent and complain with no judgement. [email protected].
FancySharkDinnerParty
I'm not in the same boat but I've sailed/am sailing. You aren't alone with how you feel; if you need a sympathetic ear, I have two.
Jawesome19
Hey friend, you're depressed and spiraling downward because ypu keep doing the same stuff that is making you miserable...
Jawesome19
And your so clouded by misery and hopelessness you're blinded by how and what you can change because every change is met with a new hurdle..
Jawesome19
That you also do not want to face. There are a lot of paths you could take this down but I'd you change nothing, I think you know where...
Jawesome19
That path leads already. You are fine being who you are but you will not make everyone happy, including your partner so time to change...
Jawesome19
Something where it hurts most. Therapy is great when you find the right connection and living in misery feeling " stuck" day in and day...
Jawesome19
Leads to more resentment, self loathing, self pity, and more depression. You're not meant to constantly bear a weight you weren't meant...
paulwall117350
Materialistic holidays centered around accumulation of bullshit and going over the top for arbitrary celebrations add extra stress and cost?
paulwall117350
Who'd have thought. Maybe next you'll tell me there's also something inherently wrong with a global system based on greed and acquisition.
paulwall117350
Well, regardless of how it affects the poor and the climate, take heart in the fact that all this holiday effort created shareholder wealth.
paulwall117350
Sorry for the socialist propaganda, but seriously, the best possible thing that can come out of all of this is your family seeing how badly
paulwall117350
this holiday and the associated mindset and belief systems have harmed you, and maybe they'll decide to stop the tradition in the future.
Iamjackslackofselfworth
It' comforting that literally anyone else sees it for what it is. I chose to be solo for the first time this year, and it.was.wonderful.
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
I'm probably further left than 99% of imgur, bur Christmas is not the problem. I give gifts because I want to. Many are bought but many /1
Makemycommuteinteresting
You should tell your family how you feel. You don't have to carry all of the stress and burden alone.
5Toner
Doesn't work that way.. family doesn't always understand or support depression
merbaby
I'm not O, but I felt every word. Saying it to family is so different than being heard; I've done the former, but never managed the letter
req4adream99
That’s where a therapist can help. Sometimes it’s in a joint session, where they provide the safe space to allow ur voice to b heard./1
req4adream99
Sometimes it’s talking it thro w someone who can give advice on rephrasing to help ensure that your message is heard.
sparticasticus
This. It’s a long hard set of lessons, reviewing every week w/ therapist just to make sure you’re communicating clearly, taken me like 2 yrs
TheRealCaveman
@OP can you get a psych referral? You might be suffering from unmedicated mental health stuff that makes it even harder. 1/?
TheRealCaveman
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and ADHD last year at 35. The meds have made therapy much more helpful. I'm sorry you're... 2/?
TheRealCaveman
Going through this. Marriage is hard. My wife was diagnosed with OCD the same year, explained a lot. Working through it 3/?
TheRealCaveman
Now and it's sometimes more than I can take - running away is tempting (I think of suicide too). Just remember, breathe, keep seeking help.
Me1iss0
THIS, change the dynamic bc coping skills only get you so far when the environment hasn’t changed. Like a plant not thriving in sand
ThomasThundersword
thats what my fam did. it was never this rough for my mom, but she basically handled every aspect of the holidays PLUS all the other stuff>
ThomasThundersword
trying very hard to make it as perfect as possible in-spite of, many many issues, that included my alcoholic dad. but once she talked to my>
ThomasThundersword
sister and me, and we all started sharing the load, everyone was happier. not just her, but the sis and me too, all working together to make
ThomasThundersword
Christmas magic happen. aa for my dad, after we got our shit together, we talked to him, he stopped drinking, and while i’ll never be close
ThomasThundersword
with him. this was the first year without a major family fight on Christmas or all december! i know it can sound counter intuitive that>
SarcasticComment
and yourself. I didn't put the garland on the stairs this year, and it's fine. I was busy living my life to not get to this holiday task
SarcasticComment
some of this is a prison of our own making. the garland is very pretty, I enjoy it as does my family, but ultimately unnecessary.
ImAnActionBirb
Good!! You succeeded in prioritizing your mental and physical health over a piece of decoration, which can be surprisingly difficult for 1/2
ImAnActionBirb
2/2 someone to do. Keep finding small ways to put yourself first and it will get easier.
SarcasticComment
exactly. it's just a thing. I still got the easier to set up things done. the world moves on without twinkling lights on the stairwell.
SarcasticComment
I think people forget that their family feels their stress and would be happier knowing you were happy instead of feeling holiday dread
beAbetterperson7
You become old and lonely if you keep it in. I shared with my wife, she may not get it entirely but just knowing and trying is a huge help.
TomahawkJackson
You can't do anything to stop becoming old - on the other hand, lonely doesn't care what age you are...
beAbetterperson7
Now when i can say i’m overwhelmed, or in one of my depressed states, she gives space as needed or talks as needed. Trust your spouse, share
beAbetterperson7
I hope it gets better for you, and family is supportive. You can always find support here, you deserve someone to listen and you arent alone
Haemaelaeinen
My wife ended up cheating and leaving me when I said I have it rough. I provided all income, took care of kids and house... Over 10yrs mrrge
beAbetterperson7
Sounds like she wasnt much of catch. Sorry that you had to go through that, and as painful as that must be, you are better off. If she used
beAbetterperson7
That as the catalyst to then cheat, I’d say it was damn near inevitable. Again, sucks to be cheated on, you deserve better &hope you find it