TerriblePokemon
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Shes real big on the "sunday best" thing
No mother, by you.
The summer and winter rug switch is a big deal in my mother's house
Only woman I've ever met who hosts traditional formal dinner parties.
jpbski
Read these in Mallory's voice without reading the title, assumed they were actually from Archer.
LizardEnterprises
It *really* sounds like you should mix up your forks. For your own good.
breadcan
These totally fit the character! Except for the one about drinking before noon. Mallory would talk shit about NOT drinking before noon.
ArcherGifs
Hey that's my job!
HowComeThisIsAFeature
I really want to come over, I would laugh so hard and I'm sure that would make her angry, and that would make me laugh more. PM me Invite.
Waragi
roostercrowe
Johnny bench called
JediMazter
please, PLEASE make more of these.
DOWNVOTEALLEMOJIS
@op plz!!!
InboxMeYourHDGIFs
DrBrogbo
Always upvote Archer, but the lack of a question mark there makes me angrier than it should.
labouka
The gif's lack of proper punctuation also makes the man livid, my good sire.
Murderface828
These are great
MechaNinja
Jessica Walter doesn't seem to have a twitter. I would love for her to voice these a la the Trump Brannigan thing Billy West has been doing.
mooglerae
"This is the best event I have ever been to that I didn't organize" -my grandmother
Farmacopeia
I imagined Emily Gilmore saying these with no trouble at all.
hoffbox
NO WIRE HANGERS
Obi1thejedi
My friend's mom said this to her once, "It's your dad's birthday and you forgot to buy any liquor. Not even a beer."
njullpointer
ahahhaaaa it's funny because I can barely afford rugs.
ZD8806
Oatmealer
Jeez. When I have to clean my Persian rugs I just hand them over the fence and beat them with a broom and do a little spot cleaning with
mineovermatter
You're just a low-class heathen to not have seasonals AND do the work yourself.I bet you have a tan from all that work!
Oatmealer
Resolve. But then again, I only have "year round" rugs. Not seasonal rugs. I must be messing up.
IJustLikeToArgue
Technically, OP's mother didn't say "rugs." She could have been talking about people. In which case, your suggestion sounds a bit barbaric.
Oatmealer
TerriblePokemon
But seriously, they were Persian rugs. They get cleaned and stored every spring until fall, when they go back out again
HollySkull739
I can actually hear her saying those things. I don't know whether to laugh or laugh harder.
mastersatan2005
Didnt realise these werent from the mouth of mallory archer until after i read the whole post. You have my updoot good sir
sinbios
I don't think she'd have a problem with drinking before noon though.
firagablitz
The archer script writers may have found new line inspirations
KBTutor
I heard them all in her voice.
OptimusPantry
Except the drinking before noon one lol
d4rkr34p3r500
Yeah that's the one that made me check again. Mallory is a it's 5pm somewhere girl
Bob64
IntrovertTurtle
Are you guys rich? You sound rich.
TerriblePokemon
Just well brought up middle class. With extra snootiness
ghostwriter2030
"Middle class" and "winter persian" seem like different income brackets
TerriblePokemon
My grandfather worked for the state department and was stationed in the middle east for a number of year and brought back lots of rugs
ghostwriter2030
Read rugs as "drugs" and was about to be impressed
jrh402s
My favorite from my mother is "you don't need the lights on to shower." It sounds like a koan, but she's just cheap.
broadgay
"An erection? The thought of me dead gives you an erection?"
SendMeYourLameJokes
Your mom and my mom would probably be best friends if my mom didn't hate everyone.
CosmicPube
"Oh Mallory, what a lovely dinner pahty." -Cheryl/Carol/Cherlene
ARealHumanandNotaChatBot
And Cristina!!! "It captures my sensual womenhood."
NotSoFunnyOP
FullProofFluffFloof
You for got Crystal
ARealHumanandNotaChatBot
Don't forget Crystal/Tanya/Mrs Rompers...
Threadnomancer
No one cares Figgis, you're only invited to round out the numbers.
ARealHumanandNotaChatBot
"I hate you all so much" - Cyril Figgis
TerriblePokemon
with the most elegant people in all of new york hohohoho! -pam
ARealHumanandNotaChatBot
That was actually Cheryl also. Pam said, "On the left, dear. One serves on the left."
TerriblePokemon
ARealHumanandNotaChatBot
Ha!!
somespazzoid
Jesus fuck! You're Archer!
FlatPlutoSociety
She may sound like an asshole, but I can get behind #4. Stop forgetting the gin, @OP.
TerriblePokemon
to be fair i was going to the liquor store
jojoduncan
As a former baptist, we are a jacket-less society.
TerriblePokemon
I dont know, denim jackets seem to have their place
SteepedGardenMrsChen
you mean tuxedo jackets? https://si.wsj.net/public/resources/images/BN-AG090_1101ct_EV_20131101192642.jpg (Canadian not pictured)
TerriblePokemon
Is that Alec Baldwin?
SteepedGardenMrsChen
Oh yes my friend. Yes indeed.
Sosickofthisshit
You must be from the south. Bless your heart!
Iuseanavatargifforalmostnothing
bless your dear sweet wonderful amazing beautiful heart
Darkmatt145
I’m from the south and I hear none of this crap at family gatherings. Probably because they’re too busy gossiping about my mom or uncle
DrunkGermanGuy
That reminds me of the "bless your heart" radio show in GTA V. Shit's hilarious.
JupiterJedi
This is why we can't have nice things!
fortheloveofsandwiches
lol, was thinking the same thing
oilyanaldischarge
Or a New Englander. A real one that is.
CenturianImgurian
Either the South, or some part of Brahmin New England. This reminds me of my mother, good god.
TerriblePokemon
I feel your emotionally stunted pain
panucrativenarration
Brahmin New England is my guess, from personal experience
TheArrestingAbhorrentArrantAbominableAlliterator
You would be wrong, according to OP.
Thekingofbeans
In the south they say "Bless your heart" to say someone is stupid. In the north they say "he's from the south."
Sosickofthisshit
Well, bless YOUR heart. ;-)
Sosickofthisshit
And P.S., that's not entirely true...sometimes it's an expression of sympathy; just depends on the situation/audience.
icyvaynes
That's funny when "bless your heart" is used in the since of stupidity it is usually to a Yankee.
inmate4859
I was always taught it ment fuck you
icyvaynes
Nope. Just depends on what's going on really. Normally it's for stupidity or feeling actually bad for someone cause they just received bad 1
icyvaynes
News. Like death in the family or you can't have kids. It's kinda like when your getting cussed out in a language you don't know, you can 2
root1657
I think you meant 'sense'... Bless your heart...
icyvaynes
Yeah I did. Mobile user, phone likes to auto correct. I don't always catch it. However, judge me based off that. Bless your little 1
icyvaynes
Judgmental heart.
TerriblePokemon
I come from the abolitionist branch that left the south and started paying their mammies before the war
Swimbeast
2/2 get a few weird looks from the older people but I think my priest is just happy there's young people going to church.
TerriblePokemon
oh i bet hes happy
SteepedGardenMrsChen
but your post was excellent
TerriblePokemon
TheBitcherThreeMilfCunt
For cryin in the night you just a yellow bellied boy
PinkProzac
Having grown up in the Bible Belt, I could charm the crap out of your mom! Just have to know how to play the game. Sorry for you though.
Summersky
Something about me loves Mallory and makes me want to play Blair Waldorf all day. Need another mini mum?
TerriblePokemon
http://img.pandawhale.com/93137-hey-josephus-hey-motherfucka-g-5trf.gif
Summersky
What are you saying?
IconicNebula
Im a Baptist and was lightly salted on the first one until I remembered last sunday i went in Work boots and basketball shorts
SpaceMarineChaplain
Went to church in a punisher shirt once, part of me thought it was kinda wrong, the majority thought, fuck it, everyone loves marvel.
Swimbeast
Lol I'm a Catholic and I usually show up in sweaty running clothes because I usually just get off of cross country practice for mass. 1/2
FluffycakesXX
I used to wear an ac/dc highway to hell shirt to church when i was young, it always made the preacher laugh
FindusSomKatten
our priest was a diehard fan of three thing acdc tolkien and fishing
SteepedGardenMrsChen
As a Canadian, that was pure gibberish to me
EvenSpeedwagon
As an american, me too dude
ARealHumanandNotaChatBot
TerriblePokemon
One branch of the family disavowed slavery, freed thier slaves and moved north before the american civil war
NuclearPumpkin90
As an American, that was all gibberish to me as well.
TerriblePokemon
keep in mind thats only one part of my family going back 150 years, the rest of my family tree were all northerners
SteepedGardenMrsChen
thank you OP, very helpful. Also, definitely something to be proud of. But you should be ashamed for not knowing your forks.
TheDarkLordOfTrees
Guns freedom eagles hamburger. Apple pie state's rights manifest destiny. Bacon. Did you get that?
SteepedGardenMrsChen
HAHAHA, sorry, but you do not scare me with your puny American bacon.
TheDarkLordOfTrees
What? All I understood was "sorry". I don't speak French.
Wakborder517
Good god. She sounds really annoying.
Blamblam101
Not at all. As long as you do it her way.
TerriblePokemon
This guy gets it
TerriblePokemon
Not usually....
YesmynameisGreg
What is your mother's religion and ethnicity? (the baptist one made me curious)
TerriblePokemon
We are so WASP we still own land granted to an ancestor of mine for fighting in the Revolution
Wakborder517
The fork one alone is what got me
oilyanaldischarge
My semi-grown up son came back from his first formal dinner, where he was actually complimented on his manners. He said I taught him well.
Wakborder517
That's really great, it is, but certain formalities seem unnecessary. Using the wrong fork is one of those.
oilyanaldischarge
Thanks, I was proud. At a wicked formal dinner different forks are used for different dishes, such as salad, fish, meat, etc. So are spoons.
oilyanaldischarge
She sounds like the best, OP.
mooglerae
She reminds me of my late grandmother. :)
TerriblePokemon
My great grandmother almost disowned my aunt for marrying a catholic. Granted it was 1963 but, no, that really doesnt make it much better...
mooglerae
Do... do you need to talk to someone? *pat pat*
TerriblePokemon
Nah that generation was long dead by the time i came into existence