PaulaDeenismybitch
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I tried to add in some funny ones. There were so many great submissions that I will hopefully be making another one. Feel free to keep posting and messaging me them, funny or sad.
Part One: http://imgur.com/gallery/qWbhq
Part Three: http://imgur.com/gallery/6JDeE
EDIT: My classes are about to start again, so the next one will be up in a couple days. No worries, there will be more. You all are a bunch of brilliant people.
YourAverageBikerBoi
Cancelled the wedding, planned the funeral.
annerbananers
Ouch.
GreyhLightning
My life wasn't supposed to happen.
RunsOnPizza
+1
tunastrongandfree
I'm home now. War was easier.
MyOhMyThePizzaSky
My eyes open, the coffin shuts.
IReallySuckAtMakingUsernames
Holy shit that ones terrifying
Withallduerespect
Table for two. Dinner for one.
WhenTheMusicsOver
Two dinner tables, one for me.
relevenceisinthemindofthebeholder
Table for one, dinner for two.
Shaykh
Are you me?
AFistFullOfMayo
Boom! Pregnancy
whoopy4
Jumped. Then I changed my mind.
virginassnigga
Holy shit
CharlesJacobs
Nobody would ever notice if I
BANEBIGGUY
Wooooooooooah. This not receiving attention makes it way more relevant
EllipsesAreAlwaysNecessary
RIP Calhoun
Mobileuserwholikestoberandom
I don't get it
toothbrush123
The finished sentence would be "nobody would notice if i killed myself" but it stops halfway through
Simanni
suicide im guessing.no one would notice if he died.
crookie2legacy5
This one is not getting enough attention. Dang.
ImanerdDontjudgeme
Ironically nobody would ever notice if he
pedrobrv
They called screaming. We were late.
PerfunctoryBear
I drink until the voices stop.
SirJaimeLannister
The middle child was now youngest
IAmCthulhu
(alternatively) The middle child is now oldest.
Zephronias
They weren't waiting when I returned.
Tittieandkitties
Traffic maybe?
Phenomnomnom
Strangers. Friends. Best Friends. Lovers. Strangers.
fartgirl
Woah, love this
PineappleCapity
Born the youngest, now the oldest.
TapeFork
Mom, this isn't funny. Wake Up.
PixieDoll
g shit
SlumberingDemon
Dead long before I stop breathing
RunsOnPizza
This one is REALLY good.
IReallySuckAtMakingUsernames
Wow.
TheHandsomestManOnTheInternet
"Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon."
cob50nm
rip toaster
TheHeroOfTwilight
#teamtoaster
AtemShane
But The Jimmie Johns Never Came
Matt12121
So funny, but yet, so deep.
m0wgli
Taco Bell diarrhea. No toilet paper.
jasmeryv159
I have never been so traumatized in my life...ohgod...the flashbacks are coming...
PyroGuy007
"Only daughter married, now have two" :)
ILieForPoints
*claps*
chiefnigolas
Intimate dream, finger smells like butthole.
Lioness8200
Never Forget..
RobotBeardThePirate
#Kylecorn2013
wingfoot
I wasn't her only soulmate, apparently
Athic
This is too relevant.
RunsOnPizza
Ouch. That hits home.
BionicNipples
Childhood stolen; just don't touch me.
sparkydude
Still searching for my lost innocence.
WeAreMadeOfStarDust
I actually upvoted Edward Macaroni Fork.
EDWARDMACARONlFORK
Thanks
ratammer
A horror story for the digital age. 10/10
Yverras
cluckythehorse
The fact that fartharder still has a rep of Glorious even with a downvoted comment of over 38k means dedication but also fucking amazes me
Diaminomaleonitrile
DownvoteDanny
Way to fuck everything up, asshole.
EDWARDMACARONlFORK
Edward macaroni fork
WeAreMadeOfStarDust
It's someone's story, not necessarily mine.
fartharder
I think I love you, man.
StephanieWasTheTrueVillainOfLazyTown
Just so you know, you're my hero.
WeAreMadeOfStarDust
Thanks, but I am a female.
ImgurnariumOfDoctorGiraffus
He only loves you 'cause you upvoted his worst comment ever.
fartharder
I think I love you anyways.
fartharder
(wo)
iambatmantheultimatepotato
Can someone provide context to that comment?! I don't understand it!!
[deleted]
[deleted]
iambatmantheultimatepotato
I know but WHY was it downvoted so much?!
EldreshSaenz
Why not?
iambatmantheultimatepotato
I must have a backstory to it!!!
chucknasty
Shun the nonbeliever!!
sirpipthegreat
you're supposed to downvote the one post and upvote his other things. it's the only way.
Simanni
its true,i loved it.
IHateDickbutt
Some of these made me go like this:
AmFireAmDeath
All the good chemistry jokes argon
quantumpacket
The boron jokes, we just barium.
PaulaDeenismybitch
Thank you all for your submissions. You made me laugh and cry.
bottoms
This is just a giant collection of plagiarism...
MarkWhoGivesaFukFrom93Tv
"I came. I saw. I conquered." Julius Caesar (or Jay Z) Veni. Vedi. Vechi.
quantumpacket
sorry sorry but wasn't it 'veni vidi vici'? sorry
MarkWhoGivesaFukFrom93Tv
Do I look Italian? Just joking, you are correct. Dem there school systems sure did learn me right, I tell ye what
Laurelespp
I prayed, I received no answer
tb1r
four stories wasnt quite high enough.
ThundererBeforeLightning
Can we submit more? Because I actually did a reddit thread about the same thing today. http://redd.it/2rv9ih
avacado22
Sometimes I dream he's still alive.
WhenTheMusicsOver
" @Sarah. Please..." She pulled the trigger.
Rmajere
Papa lived mama, mama loved men.
fleezyppc
"once more into the fray, bitch."
Summersky
"Paula Deen is my bitch...Bitch."
LordMe
Suicide note said, ""Finally feeling ok."
quantumpacket
Yep. That, yeah. Just peace, kinda.
WhenTheMusicsOver
Cry at a tombstone; join her.
ThatGuyYouMetOnTheBus
Prison beds; more comfortable than benches.
MyOhMyThePizzaSky
Thank you for starting this awesome series that I hope continues.
itsgonnarain
thought I died. I wasn't wrong
PyroGuy007
"Only daughter married, now have two" :)
IconicNebula
"Ive Spent hours thinking of Kanye"
thisisntagoodusernameatall
She took everything but the rope.
WhenTheMusicsOver
"Boy Who Lived, come to die"
TheArkhamJoker
You don't have rights. I do.
armyhadahalfday
Knocked, requested a banana, and left.
TheGingerBeardedBiologist
Expected typical gif, Javert wasn't there.
phantomeye
here's mine: "We met by accident. I lived."
TheVakarian
"It's coming for you now. Run."
PedroBarchi
Life nor death appeal to me
KillerCaitie
"I only have a year left." "I never got to say yes." "She's in the trunk, I drive." "iPod dying, charger no where close."
SuperDork42
Also see reddit's /r/sixwordstories for plenty more.
GeoffLewis7
Yes, Patrick, mayonnaise is an instrument.
Undecisiveusername
To keep us safe they lied.
bdubs230
Memories don't die with the dead
zisho
Thank you!
Bogsgoestotown
I found my soulmate, she didnt
AbrahamLinksys
"Deliverance" didn't do well on Broadway.
Bogsgoestotown
Strangers, friends, best friends, lovers, strangers.
PigleythePig
Oh God that bullet and therapy one really hit me in the heart :(
DudeWithCrazyHat
SHOT THROW THE HEART!!!!!
Habis
Romanticizing suicide--only costs a life.
welluhwhatdoyouwantmetosay
Shot through the heart, and you're to blame
colourblindchameleon
Guns though... they're more expensive than bullets... I mean, a bullet aint gonna kill ya. Also, bottle one is the saddest.
Widget88
Yeah, how sad is that? He didn't even factor in the cost of the gun!
FerociousDiglett
I prefer the "one bullet is a lifetime supply" version
sidfromtoystory
not if you miss
remmus
The bullet may be cheaper but what about the funeral? And the survivors therapies?
artimusaurelius
I'm not completely sure but I think that's from "Reign Over Me" with Adam Sandler and Don Cheedle
DrHenryJonesJr
I think it was supposed to hit in the head ) :
nighshade586
As a veteran in therapy, agreed.
Eaagle
Not the head?
gourami
M.. me too.
PigleythePig
*holds*
WhenTheMusicsOver
"Boy Who Lived, come to die"
DudeWithCrazyHat
SHOT THROW THE HEART!!!!!
thesarahpowellexperience
My dad didn't use a bullet. But in his suicide note he said he was too tired to pull himself back through depression with therapy.
Jeststar
"I wrote your name on the bullet so you would be the last thing that went through my mind..."
WrongUn
Not me- I can get free therapy on the NHS!! http://www.moonbattery.com/archives/british-bulldog.jpg
blythus
I'm probably going to be thinking about that one for a while...
MidwinterSnow
I literally stopped for a minute, said "Oh shit" out loud then spent a few minutes thinking about life.
GuyMcGee
One gun. One bullet. One night
GuyMcGee
Or, one gun one bullet one bottle
MisunderstoodAsshole
Or, one bottle. one night. five or six girls.
AlceCosmico
As someone that is currently struggling with depression... if you want it enough, there are ways to... not buy a gun.
remmus
That's a good start at least.
OGFZ
Was it a shot through the heart?
sidfromtoystory
you're too late
SuckItBlue
You give love a bad name.
TheJonSnowShow
And who was to blame?
TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsTheBabyAteMyDingo
Darling, you give love a bad name!
GetSendyWithIt
Fuk boi
CarltheMexicanWhoopingLlama
Well, that's probably where it hit them, too. (imademyselfsad.gif)
PigleythePig
Who would shoot themselves in the heart? Head is where it is at.
Arceus
Next door neighbor did.. twice. Apparently the first shot he didn't realize it worked so pulled the triggered again) before fading.
hassythegreat
Junior Seau.
Imaybegotthis
Lower back of the skull. Cant live through that. It's the part of your brain that tells you to breathe and your heart to beat
quantumpacket
yeey occipital lobe!
CarltheMexicanWhoopingLlama
Go watch Monster's Ball. (Billy Bob Thornton and Halle Berry) Excellent flick, but some pretty dark stuff.
itsahollyday2
Were you a part of the Monty Python cast?
CarltheMexicanWhoopingLlama
Sadly, no. I was conceived on the set, though. ;)
SapiensMakeMeErectusNoHomo
An old woman decided to commit suicide after her husbands death so took out his old pistol. She was going to shoot herself in the heart (1)
SapiensMakeMeErectusNoHomo
but just to be sure, called her doctor and asked where the heart was. He told her "It's located just below your left breast" (2)
SapiensMakeMeErectusNoHomo
She was rushed to hospital later that day for a gunshot to her leg. (3)
1Rogue
furthermore using a handheld gun or rifle as opposed to a shotgun results in more pain, slower death, and less chance of success
quantumpacket
Unless of course, you blow off the front of your face with the shotgun. You're pretty much fucked, then.
1Rogue
shotgun to the head is the quickest, most painless, and most likely to succeed method.
1Rogue
oh you meant if you mess up shooting yourself in the face. IIRC there's about a 98-99.8% chance of death so yeah, very likely not happening
Ebenjy33
He went, a flag came home
GAPEHORNSTAR
Y u do dis
PineappleCapity
He went, a flag came back. I like that better :)
MizzRia
He left, a flag returned.
translocated
That's five words. Yes, I'm fun at parties
infogulch
Hmm, maybe "He left, ..." sounds a bit better.
ChronosTRG
exactly what i was thinking
ImAnSJW
Or, "He left, only a flag returned."
roblx
how about 'Left and a flag came back.'?
abnormallynormal
He gone...
[deleted]
[deleted]
Mobileuserwholikestoberandom
He is, leik just so ded
poopsmiles
Mayonnaise is a gender? Wtf no one told me
iKnowMostlyRandomFacts
Patty Mayonnaise
ilikeblondehair
I'm trans-ketchup, cheeseburger positive, spoon-kin
MisterM069
Isnt'..
TheTriangleGuy
No, poopsmiles, mayonnaise is not a gender
TheDanishBingoKing
*Triggered*
ravien999
There's a previously on tumblr post you need to see
EchinodermataWhatAWonderfulPhrase
It's also an instrument
SeanTheLeprechaun
Patrick Star reference.
PaulaDeenismybitch
I identify as a pizza roll.
Treblaine
Is that coz you're really hot on the inside?
TheWolfWhoPlaysWithFire
Negative, I am a meat popsicle.
Amuts224
We all do.
ImgurMontoya
Tostino's?
MexicanSuperman072
Given how Paula Deen is aparently your bitch, I would've guessed that you were butter.
thebrick87
Can I eat you out?
PaulaDeenismybitch
Buy me dinner first.
thebrick87
If it's pizza, will you be triggered?
Punnilingus
Social Savanna can help you find other pizza rolls in your area!
PaulaDeenismybitch
Social Savanna is pretty awesome. :)
kummerspeckcorgi
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
PaulaDeenismybitch
*points to your heart* I've been here, all along.
kummerspeckcorgi
Aaaaawwwwwhh
janjizonpeejay
I thought you were a potato.
pookieeatworld
No, I was the potato. Remember? The ketchup-sexual triggered me...
PaulaDeenismybitch
DON'T PUT YOUR SOCIETAL NORMS ON ME. I am so triggered right now.
UnwantedPotato
I'm a potato... and that's racist.
janjizonpeejay
calling it as I see it. I bet Paula Deen puts lots of butter on you.