Dad Tweets

Jun 22, 2016 3:36 PM

TL DR, mainly cause I've seen this a dozen times already

9 years ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 5

1 of these is funny.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 2

Mr. Santa-Lost-His-Temper and Ryan Reynolds should get together to compare parenting tips.

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Lol no black dads

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Dad here. These are all true.

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 2

#17 sooner they understand it, greater the chance they won't ask for too much stuff

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

These guys seem to have it all figured out. They should all write a parenting book together

9 years ago | Likes 17 Dislikes 1

Cinco de meh

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 1

Hog Face gets me every time.

9 years ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 1

every time

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Deer =/= reindeer

6 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Fuck, im never having children.

9 years ago | Likes 27 Dislikes 2

Here is the Einstein on this post!!!

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

You and me both.

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

My son fell out of the front window the other day. He was fine. He told me he meant to do it on accident.

9 years ago | Likes 208 Dislikes 1

"by accident" or "accidentally".

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 2

Wait. Did he accidentally tell you he meant to do it, or did he actually say "he meant to do it on accident"

9 years ago | Likes 15 Dislikes 2

As a dad, I guarantee it was number 2. Also, it may have had something to do with actual number 2. You never know.

9 years ago | Likes 11 Dislikes 0

Burrito Tape sounds like an incredible idea

9 years ago | Likes 110 Dislikes 0

Edible adhesive tape | US 20100272864 A1 | An edible adhesive tape which is applied to food... - http://www.google.com/patents/US20100272864

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Yeah, I'd totally buy and use that.

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

Or an inedible idea.

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 1

It's called CHEESE bro!!

9 years ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 0

I wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit! Wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit!

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

Damn, that was unexpected and I love you right now!

8 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Just put an onion ring around it

9 years ago | Likes 17 Dislikes 0

Dude. Donut.

9 years ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

+1 for correct use of a period. Because, dude donut might be horrific.

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

9 years ago | Likes 153 Dislikes 1

When I asked that question, my mom gave me a book with drawings of everything. When I got a bit more curious around 12, I got condoms.

9 years ago | Likes 15 Dislikes 0

I brought them to a friend's house and me and him filled them with water. His parents weren't thrilled.

9 years ago | Likes 15 Dislikes 0

Your username is so fitting in this moment.

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

I have gone through many usernames. This one, though, sums up quite well the way my life somehow always went.

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0