I solemnly swear that my life is no good

I literally can't afford my bills. I haven't paid some in months cuz I can't afford to and it's them or gas for work. I have anxiety every day coz I don't know if I'm making it to the next paycheck. I could throw up or cry on command coz the suffering of always just below surface level. I am sick of living like this and medicines aren't helping (even the new ones) and therapy ain't either. I cried yesterday cuz they changed the hours at the donation place and I lost put on $70 and I needed that money so badly.

Can't afford to move, wouldn't find a better paying job anyway, can't stand being in any place in my house coz it's filthy, I don't get joy from literally anything anymore. It's always just shit. My life is just shit. I don't even care for the dogs well. I hate being outside anywhere near people, I'm lonely all the fucking time, I literally sleep all weekend every weekend and I sleep until the last possible second before work cuz being conscious is too miserable.

I paid $110 for someone to come help me clean up my bedroom coz my executive dysfunction + my anxiety + my depression has made it horrible to be in. They were supposed to come in an hour. I canceled. I know I can't get my money back but my anxiety got so bad I'm sobbing on my couch, in a ball, it was too scary, too embarrassing to have someone come here and see how I live. I shouldn't have hired anyone in the first place, I can't afford the money I already paid.

On top of that, I donate plasma to help me get by. We'll they changed hours yesterday (with no notification) and I lost out on $70, which I needed. I paid my rent and now I have $100 for two weeks, which includes gas, groceries, and bills. So bills won't be getting paid again and I'll be eating rice and beans that I thankfully have in the house. Hope I don't run out of gas coz I can't walk to the job that's 45 miles away!

I have therapy tomorrow and I'm quitting after coz I can't afford it and it's not helping. I

I'm going back to bed. On my couch. Cuz I can't go into my bedroom.

I'm so sick of living like this. I thought I was over the hump (financially and mentally), finally, but nope. Apparently I just have another 40 years of living like this. That sucks.

I don't know what to do anymore. I make too much to qualify for any help. Fucking ironic, ain't it? On paper I'm above the poverty line. In reality, I certainly ain't. I didn't ask to be put on this stupid fucking planet, why am I forced to be here?