Staggard

18310 pts ยท April 30, 2014


I used to masturbate onto birds at a local park. Not a thing that I'm particularly proud of but I became quite good at it. I was taking zinc supplements so I was shooting massive loads and it became something of a sport to me. For anyone interested here is your best strategy. first, you need to find an isolated spot so you don't become a sex offender. I found a short kind of channel area where I saw the pigeons would congregate. Next, you arouse yourself. I was usually content with envisioning the occasional jogging lady coming over and taking a shit on my chest and that was enough to fuel the fire but if you're not as sexually charged as me just take some porn on the go. After you're good an horny, you get some bread. My pigeons preferred white bread but healthier birds might have a taste for honey wheat or maybe even multigrain. Fat, unhealthy birds are slower and easier to hit so remember that. Once you are seated on the bench and ready to do the deed, whip your Roosevelt out and scatter bread out within a few feet of you. use your judgement based on how far you know you can cum. I was a lonely and depraved soul who could hit targets the size of a thimble at distances up to 4 feet. You wait for the pigeons to begin eating and to get comfortable with your presence. At this point, you want to coo gently and talk sensually to them to gain their trust. Now you're finally ready to cum on your bird. This is a tough part because the rapid motion of masturbation is very frightening to the birds, so you have to be subtle. Once you master a technique, you simply wind it up and let it go, aiming depending on your past cumming experiences. I always came high so I would aim for the neck of the bird and catch it right in the face. It's an extremely satisfying and erotic feeling, seeing those birds reel around covered in cum and maybe even transporting it to other places in the city. Either way I haven't done it in years but every now and then I catch myself gazing wistfully at a flock of birds, cock throbbing and waiting for them to land close to me.

When I get pulled up at work for making too many puns

Points 16
Comments 8
Views 128

Let's make Imgur great again

Points 16
Comments 2
Views 275

So Chrome doesn't support online games...

Points 7
Comments 17
Views 406

When I realise the Clapper Lights were a bad investment

Points 14
Comments 2
Views 220

NOW That's What I Call Edgy 2015

Points 50
Comments 11
Views 4394

Ah well back to beer

Points 15
Comments 38
Views 77

So the girlfriend went to the pub leaving me with an ill baby and a 5 year old girl to do Christmas while she nurses a hangover

Points 4
Comments 8
Views 180

My dogs' reaction when I tell them they've "Been bad"

Points 2151
Comments 127
Views 26752

Gif Trade

Points 25
Comments 4
Views 149

MRW my little sausage dog puppy barks and scares my friends "Big, bad" Alsatian

Points 1
Comments 1
Views 289

Getting a beer from an inadequate fridge

Points 24
Comments 2
Views 183

Where's this from?

Points 6
Comments 13
Views 619

When someone leaves because they don't hit the FP, just to be ignored on another site

Points 17
Comments 5
Views 199

Has it always done this?

Points 4
Comments 3
Views 552

These belong together

Points 14
Comments 6
Views 2

Shoutout to the peeps that get annoyed about seeing images in usersub that are already on the front page

Points 12
Comments 3
Views 107

Quick success story

Points 5
Comments 5
Views 4

Enough is enough

Points -2
Comments 2
Views 52

When a post breaks 50 points with 3+ favorites

Points 0
Comments 0
Views 176

When an outsider joins in on the Barack OBanter

Points -2
Comments 5
Views 64

Little sh*t

Points 55
Comments 10
Views 163

If it was a blue Yoshi he couldn't hide from my 8-bit wrath

Points 10
Comments 2
Views 1368

Saw this on a FP post and wanted the dance

Points 9
Comments 1
Views 99

After being reminded of the Beanie Baby fad

Points 3
Comments 2
Views 104

I'm too tired to think of a witty title

Points 3
Comments 7
Views 5228

A page where we can request someone more talented can make a specific GIF

Points 3
Comments 14
Views 336

Remember where it all starts

Points 106
Comments 12
Views 36

This will be relevant... One day *Sigh*

Points 34
Comments 5
Views 157

I'm so done with your sh*t, Thomas

Points 13
Comments 4
Views 172

Coming back to Imgur after being away and you've missed the popular trend

Points 22
Comments 3
Views 60

This whole site stinks of Updog

Points 0
Comments 6
Views 2077

Splicer? I hardly know her

Points 5793
Comments 220
Views 233852

A great stocking filler

Points 35
Comments 6
Views 131

When your homies don't want to dance so you go solo.

Points 44
Comments 9
Views 255

Do you hear the funny sound Imgur?

Points 16
Comments 13
Views 54536

When people say you've got a drinking problem so you buy a pitcher

Points 48
Comments 7
Views 173

Saved for future use

Points 10
Comments 19
Views 496

Marine life

Points 22
Comments 6
Views 1357

When a user asks for a scale

Points -5
Comments 5
Views 37

So I hear Imgur doesn't like IT Crowd

Points 33
Comments 27
Views 1514

Boys night = Party night

Points 34
Comments 5
Views 1624

Sign: She's into you

Points 12
Comments 8
Views 1490

The only way to act around the press

Points 2
Comments 3
Views 120

Broforce

Points 9
Comments 8
Views 443

The only gif that always makes me laugh

Points 43
Comments 2
Views 2699

This machine performing science

Points 16
Comments 7
Views 785

Our towns "Overheard in ___" cover photo

Points -1
Comments 1
Views 35

Remember...tonight...

Points 19
Comments 7
Views 6640
Next page