orchitis

34542 pts ยท March 1, 2015


---I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. And if you've read this far send nudes.

Doggy dump

Points 159
Comments 7
Views 5121

tell your significant other they are wrong

Points 28
Comments 12
Views 179

Happy 29th!!

Points 25
Comments 8
Views 139

different views of SF

Points 38
Comments 5
Views 54

Window licking buddies

Points 7110
Comments 138
Views 87369

Stockton don't play with clowns

Points 8
Comments 13
Views 504

Is Firearm Friday a thing?? It should be!

Points 15
Comments 11
Views 392

A little advice never hurt no one.

Points 929
Comments 47
Views 6696

Happy Volcano

Points 35
Comments 3
Views 820

My cat can be a real cocksucker

Points 10
Comments 5
Views 141

Tutorial on how to diet and exercise to get that summer body you want.

Points 2425
Comments 82
Views 48254

My dog is happy with the new addition to the family.

Points 5
Comments 5
Views 195

I can do it all night long

Points 22
Comments 4
Views 43

Had some Indian food tonight, it wasn't good cuisine but it was

Points 8
Comments 1
Views 402

I can't have an ignorant dog!

Points 6
Comments 4
Views 62

She has been chosen

Points 57
Comments 7
Views 55

true story

Points 50
Comments 6
Views 36

My hands after down voting all the Oscars stuff about Leo

Points -3
Comments 4
Views 19

well, mobile users should like this...

Points 40
Comments 12
Views 86

Don't mind me, just getting my monkey wet and cleaning it..

Points 87
Comments 11
Views 448

I refuse to be single this Valentines day!

Points 11
Comments 1
Views 32

Joe Rogan dropping knowledge

Points 64
Comments 24
Views 412

When you get in freedoms air space, 'Murica!

Points 17
Comments 6
Views 215

This is not wrong

Points 35
Comments 8
Views 68

Everyone was quiet on the double date last night, I knew how to make everyone quiet comfortable

Points 13
Comments 2
Views 39

Wisdom for Valentines Day

Points 42
Comments 16
Views 66

I should be studying for my RN final but instead I am on Imgur like..

Points 36
Comments 2
Views 319

Bernin all day

Points 7
Comments 92
Views 195

Coming home from work and my fur babies be like

Points 47
Comments 1
Views 78

Who doesn't like milk and cookies?

Points 4
Comments 13
Views 66

...

Points -6
Comments 6
Views 7

Yosemite on fire

Points 17
Comments 4
Views 979

How snowmen are made

Points 1
Comments 5
Views 98

My cat is doing his part to end segregation!

Points 50
Comments 3
Views 152

It's all about perception

Points 16
Comments 6
Views 36

Truth

Points 1330
Comments 169
Views 6889

I see a lot of people use Sweden as a comparison to how Bernie will change the USA. Well, call a random stranger and find out about socialism.

Points 1800
Comments 531
Views 62226

Seek and destroy mode: Engaged

Points 10
Comments 1
Views 245

Just a thought

Points 47
Comments 10
Views 28

I saw this on FB and it brakes my heart ... Anybody want to help this little guy

Points 1262
Comments 40
Views 38193

I can't for Thursday to enjoy an authentic Irish dinner!

Points 124
Comments 25
Views 96

WARNING! This is a SPOILER if DEADPOOL

Points 4
Comments 2
Views 461

Sci Fi

Points 50
Comments 7
Views 4828

These were simpler times

Points 41
Comments 14
Views 60

Talk nerdy to me

Points 2
Comments 4
Views 31

This is a prank I can get behind

Points 1539
Comments 122
Views 39453

They have evolved...

Points 30
Comments 10
Views 207

Damn't Karen, I am gonna get that dot!

Points 53
Comments 9
Views 198

This one is for you

Points 9
Comments 10
Views 41

She just turned 15!

Points 41
Comments 3
Views 30

People bitch about what they created

Points -6
Comments 19
Views 92

Just one last time!

Points 14
Comments 5
Views 85

Repost but makes me LOL everytime

Points 110
Comments 13
Views 42

Nothing to see here, just petting my monkey, move a long now

Points 35
Comments 13
Views 3808
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